Life and death

It says in Psalms that life and death are in the power of the tongue.  When I was little I always thought that it meant that a king, for example, could sentence someone to death but just speaking it. Now as I get older I see more and more that its so much more in depth then what it looks like.

Life and death is in the power of the tongue. What you say, what you speak has the power to shatter someones life. It can kill someones identity. It can destroy everything that they had worked for. For example say that some one makes a decision and you think you know why they did. You get all the angles in your head worked out so you know that you know. So you tell others that, that has to be why they made that decision.

But, what if your wrong? What if that decision was not based on anything you could have possibly thought about. Who knows everything another person thinks about or goes through? Who knows why anyone does anything… So why?

Why do you say anything?

Why do you make things up?

Why do you always think your right?

See.. Life and death is in the tongue. But, you saying what you say about others it not only hurts them, but it the long run the truth comes out. And when the truth doesn’t match what you proclaimed from the mountain tops, you look like an idiot. Your death came out of your own mouth.

Another side note.. Not mine

blast from the past

I got on Itunes today to find some more podcast to listen to. I’m really enjoying branching out of my home church and seeing what God is doing in different places. So I running through some of the names, some I know, some I dont, when I feel like I had been blind sided.

See one of the names I found, I knew. One of the pastors I saw, rocked me a bit. When I was younger, way younger, my father worked for a pastor of a rather large church (ref. History blog). Needless to say that was the name I saw. I have to admit the first thought that went through my mind was this has to be a joke. Theres no way. I was ticked, hurt, confused. I know that I was young when everything happened but, it still effected alot of my life and my ideas on “Christian’s” as I and my family saw them. I couldn’t understand why anyone would a) let him teach again b) would listen. I mean after all he DID what he DID.

But, it brought me back to what I was being showed all day today. Grace. The importance of Grace. Today was a huge stretchingin that part of my life. It seemed to be incident after incident that just required more and more grace from me. Let me tell you, it sucked. It started with sitting at the same place for almost two hours, driving to Sullivan’s with no air in my car but still waiting when twenty people crossed the road just to turn around in the middle of the street to go back to the car! To driving past the same spot to pick someone up and them not be there. Grace was so the word of the day.

So it brings me back to Mr. Pastor, as where going to call him, yea he did some stupid things. Yes he totally shook my whole world and I’m sure added more gaps in my relationship with God than did good at the time. Does that mean he should be totally band from ever speaking Gods word? Does that mean that God took his calling away? Does that mean that we should just shun him and punish him forever for his mistake?

What if some one did that to you?

its been..

Its funny I kept thinking about this week and how “hard” its been. There is so much going on in my life that some times I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that I cant get off of. Its not fun.

Its even funnier that now as I’m writing the thought, “how hard has it really been” keeps playing in my head. I’m breathing, I’m living, I’m laughing!

I got to pray to night with an amazing group of people that I’m learning more and more about every week. That I am see God move in us in so many ways that its mind-blowing! I would have never thought that this week would have started hard and ended happy! Its all about, focus. I think sometimes its so much easier for me to focus on all the ups and downs and what is changing always in my life, and not focus on the unchanging, rooted things in my life. God.

I think it started when I was trying to be more transparent, its turned in to whinny! I feel like to be transparent I needed to emotionally vomit on whom ever was asking ‘hows your day’. Not once did I capture my thoughts and claim ‘its amazing, God is great!’. No it was a complaint about this, a worry about that, a “I know God has it, but..”.  There so be no but after that statement! How could I just slap God in the face like that and be like God has it but, I dont really trust Him to do anything.

Really who am I? Who gave me the right to question God, who gave me the right to lack in faith. Not I, Not God, Not Anyone!

Its all about your thoughts where are they? What are they focused on? Where are they at??

When was the last time you checked yourself? Its been a long while for me.

Hillsong

Cause I know that you’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ

You bought my life with the blood
That you shed on the cross
When you died for the sins of men
And you let out a cry, crucified
Now alive in me

These hands are yours
Teach them to serve
As you please and I’ll reach out
Desperate to see all the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in you

I’ll never be the same
No I’ll never be the same
Cause I know that you’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ

You’ve changed it all
You broke down the wall
When I spoke and confessed
In you I am blessed
Now I walk in the light
In victorious sight of you

Fire fall down
Fire fall down
On us we pray
As we seek
Fire fall down
Your fire fall down
On us we pray

Show me your heart
Show me your way
Show me your glory

 

Its kind of amazing to watch what God does in your life how you can be from the deepest sadness to the most perfect peace all in a day. That I know that if I just trusted God the way He ask of me then I would never be able to feel the pain and sadiness that I do. I would know with out any fear that it would be okay. That He, who loves me enternally, would always be there. Is always in charge of my life, holding me, loving me, and making me into a person that can be used for His glory. 

Its funny this issues, problems choices I make in my life are all but a blink of an eye. They dont really matter, they arent the big picture. IF I follow Gods will and love with out fear. And do with out hestiation then this blink, my life would be worth something so much more that I can ever think!!

Thats worth anything that could be thrown at me.

Breaking the surface

I have amazing people in my life. I would have never thought that were I am at not is where I would have ended up a month ago. Its crazy to see the bottom drop out and see who is still standing beside you when it happends.

I lost my apartment. Its been hard its been ugly, and I’ve known it was going to happen but, its still scary and hard for it to happen. I would have never guessed who would have ended up coming to help pack, move and just sit with me. It was amazing. It was so great having people I know would just hug me or not hug me what ever I needed. I have friends in my life that would drop a date to show up at my place with out me knowing it just to help. I have friends that take me into their homes and take me to work! I have friends that God himself placed in my life to be there, to hold me, to love me, to be a shoulder to cry on, and a voice to make me laught.

Its hard. And yes I’ve been blue, yes I have sucked at “keeping my head up”. I let my self listen to others trying to tell me what I need to do, and what they think is going to happen.

But, I am blessed right now. I see things that I would have never seen before. I’m being held up by others with out a word passing their lips. I’m holding my self up in God and thats beautiful.

So yes, I’ll take alittle pain, a little fear, alittle heart ache, to get to the point that I know who is standing beside me. To get to the point where I am going to be able to pay everyone back in more than hugs and jellies.

 

A mat.

I’m starting to understand more and more every day that our past do not define us. I know I know. I don’t like the little “lines” of life. I’m not a big believer in the “don’t sweat the small stuff” cheesiness of quoting some random quirk when you have nothing creative or helpful to actually say.

But, back to what I was saying.

I know that our past hurt us. The things that happened to us, or others that we are close to really shape us into who we are. There is no denouncing that at all, I couldn’t be a psych major and not get that! But what we do with that hurt, that issue is totally on us.

Try and think of your hurt, issue, life lesson is you want to call it that as a mat.

We sit and lay on this mat, we curl up with this mat, the mat becomes what we are. There is no us with out this mat. We like our little mat. Its a great mat too. If you move you still have your mat to curl up on and use it to defend you, defend your actions.

I’m like this because of my…(enter person here).

Its not my fault I don’t ..(issue here)… because..(reason here)..

Mat, mat, mat, mat.

Now what if you just get up? What if you just take up your mat and say I’m so not laying on this anymore. I am not letting my self lay around when there is so much more I can do standing up.

So what do we do with this mat? Bury it? Hide it away just in case we want it for a rainy day?

No. We carry it with us. We carry it so that we can see others on there mats and say. “you see my mat, this is were I was at. This is what it looked like, see it looks like yours but you can get up and walk too.”

We love out mats because they are proof of where we came from. They are proof of what we can over come.

They are proof of the love that was given to us to over come our mat.

John 5:8-9

Ever feel..

I feel like crawling out of my skin today. I dont know if its the weather, if its life, or just pure urgh! I hate not having a job. I’ve been out of work now for three weeks. The slowest three weeks of my life. I actually had a job for about four days and not being payed by some crazy women is not a fun way to waste some of my time. Im just struggling. Its hard because I do have rent, I dont have a job. I dont even have a bank account right now. Its a huge struggle in my faith. I just want to cry, scream throw something anything. Its like I’m a big room and all I see are closed doors and not a opened window in sight. Hell there isnt even a rock for me to break a window if I wanted to. I need a blessing. I need a miracle. I need help! With no money, no car, and soon (God forbid) no home, I can feel the pressures of everything breaking me down. I cant sleep, can barely eat, my ear is now hurting badly, its just about to make me crack.

 

Maybe I need to crack, maybe thats the issue. Maybe thats the problem. I’m not sure. All I know is that it hurts beyond belief.

History

Very early in my life, I was exposed to one of the largest churches at that time. My father worked as an audio engineer for a pastor that would end up getting busted for prostitution. It was the late 80’s so most would know whom I’m talking about. That was my first experience to christianity. Needless to say, wasn’t a very good one. After three fallen pastors and a bad christian network. Christ was not a very big part of my family, my upbringing or my life. To me church was what you did when some one died. For years the only experience I had was a Catholic mass when relatives died. Which scared me more than anything. When I was in high school I studied different religions. Yes I was that nerdy, and yes I still am. I studied Buddhism, atheism,even native american thoughts and deities. I actually fell in to wicca. To me that made sense there where things I could touch, smell, and do. I could hold on to something that was tangible. Not some god that just floated above my head that others believed in. To me there was history behind it. There was substance. But my life was horrible. After being in abusive relationships and being raped, beaten, struggled with alcohol, cutting, being anorexic and having an emotional break down which resulted with me being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, I was at my breaking point. I snapped. There are six months of my life that I can not recall to save my life. Six months at the start of 2006 (yes not that long ago) that I dont know if I was in a relationship with someone, if I had slept with someone, or even if I had a job. Yes Bill I dont really remember meeting you the first time, but I’m sure I was pretty drunk. Thats when I moved to charleston. A friend of mine from high school was living down there and I hadn’t seen her in forever,no actually I was running. I cant use that as an excuse. I was just running from everything that scared me at home. From everything that I had been through, if that meant having to go to church with her when I was there I could stick it out for what two hours? It changed my life. I cried, like the hard ugly cry. I hadn’t cried in years. You could feel something. I didnt know what, or why, there was just something. No that wasn’t my “God moment” that came later, after studying and testing what I found to be true. I found my God again. But, different then when I was very young. I always thought of him as the big kid on the ant hill. Ready to smite anyone in a heart beat. Its amazing to see him as a loving, caring, patient God that He is. Its great to see that to me, being a christian is not all about trying to change everyone to believe what you believe. There will be no hog tying and whipping people into submission, just love. To me thats the groovy part. Because I can do that.

Content?

So I’m working on something new lately. Contentment.See pretty much I feel like my life sucks alot. I feel like, if I had a job (which I dont) if I was already married (which I’m not) or if I had an apartment, collage education, car (can I stop now?), that I would be so beyond accomplished and I wouldn’t have to even work at being content.  Its not true, and I HATE it! I just want to feel like something is going my way.See the problem here? Yes, its the my way part (and maybe alittle of the hate part.)I’ve taken my focus off of what it should be on and put it on me. Its like the whole tree in the forest thing. I’m missing out on what else is great and wonderful in my life. And lacking a whole big bunch of thankfulness. Yes, I dont have a job. But, I am having time to study and read, and I am thankful that I have a roof over my head that I can take time to find a good one. Yes, I’m not married but, I’m getting married. Yes planning a wedding is something I am SO only going to do once. But, I am doing it. I dont have a degree but, I know now fully what I want to do with my life. I know now the gifts that God has given me, and I have learned how to use them! I feel like thats one of the big problems with our culture. Instead of us being thankful for what we have, and letting that lead us to contentment we fight it and want more.  See contentment has nothing to do with things. Contentment is being happy and thankful no matter what you have or what you own. Like they say money doesn’t buy happiness.