Another side note.. Not mine

blast from the past

I got on Itunes today to find some more podcast to listen to. I’m really enjoying branching out of my home church and seeing what God is doing in different places. So I running through some of the names, some I know, some I dont, when I feel like I had been blind sided.

See one of the names I found, I knew. One of the pastors I saw, rocked me a bit. When I was younger, way younger, my father worked for a pastor of a rather large church (ref. History blog). Needless to say that was the name I saw. I have to admit the first thought that went through my mind was this has to be a joke. Theres no way. I was ticked, hurt, confused. I know that I was young when everything happened but, it still effected alot of my life and my ideas on “Christian’s” as I and my family saw them. I couldn’t understand why anyone would a) let him teach again b) would listen. I mean after all he DID what he DID.

But, it brought me back to what I was being showed all day today. Grace. The importance of Grace. Today was a huge stretchingin that part of my life. It seemed to be incident after incident that just required more and more grace from me. Let me tell you, it sucked. It started with sitting at the same place for almost two hours, driving to Sullivan’s with no air in my car but still waiting when twenty people crossed the road just to turn around in the middle of the street to go back to the car! To driving past the same spot to pick someone up and them not be there. Grace was so the word of the day.

So it brings me back to Mr. Pastor, as where going to call him, yea he did some stupid things. Yes he totally shook my whole world and I’m sure added more gaps in my relationship with God than did good at the time. Does that mean he should be totally band from ever speaking Gods word? Does that mean that God took his calling away? Does that mean that we should just shun him and punish him forever for his mistake?

What if some one did that to you?

its been..

Its funny I kept thinking about this week and how “hard” its been. There is so much going on in my life that some times I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that I cant get off of. Its not fun.

Its even funnier that now as I’m writing the thought, “how hard has it really been” keeps playing in my head. I’m breathing, I’m living, I’m laughing!

I got to pray to night with an amazing group of people that I’m learning more and more about every week. That I am see God move in us in so many ways that its mind-blowing! I would have never thought that this week would have started hard and ended happy! Its all about, focus. I think sometimes its so much easier for me to focus on all the ups and downs and what is changing always in my life, and not focus on the unchanging, rooted things in my life. God.

I think it started when I was trying to be more transparent, its turned in to whinny! I feel like to be transparent I needed to emotionally vomit on whom ever was asking ‘hows your day’. Not once did I capture my thoughts and claim ‘its amazing, God is great!’. No it was a complaint about this, a worry about that, a “I know God has it, but..”.  There so be no but after that statement! How could I just slap God in the face like that and be like God has it but, I dont really trust Him to do anything.

Really who am I? Who gave me the right to question God, who gave me the right to lack in faith. Not I, Not God, Not Anyone!

Its all about your thoughts where are they? What are they focused on? Where are they at??

When was the last time you checked yourself? Its been a long while for me.

Hillsong

Cause I know that you’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ

You bought my life with the blood
That you shed on the cross
When you died for the sins of men
And you let out a cry, crucified
Now alive in me

These hands are yours
Teach them to serve
As you please and I’ll reach out
Desperate to see all the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in you

I’ll never be the same
No I’ll never be the same
Cause I know that you’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ

You’ve changed it all
You broke down the wall
When I spoke and confessed
In you I am blessed
Now I walk in the light
In victorious sight of you

Fire fall down
Fire fall down
On us we pray
As we seek
Fire fall down
Your fire fall down
On us we pray

Show me your heart
Show me your way
Show me your glory

 

Its kind of amazing to watch what God does in your life how you can be from the deepest sadness to the most perfect peace all in a day. That I know that if I just trusted God the way He ask of me then I would never be able to feel the pain and sadiness that I do. I would know with out any fear that it would be okay. That He, who loves me enternally, would always be there. Is always in charge of my life, holding me, loving me, and making me into a person that can be used for His glory. 

Its funny this issues, problems choices I make in my life are all but a blink of an eye. They dont really matter, they arent the big picture. IF I follow Gods will and love with out fear. And do with out hestiation then this blink, my life would be worth something so much more that I can ever think!!

Thats worth anything that could be thrown at me.

Ever feel..

I feel like crawling out of my skin today. I dont know if its the weather, if its life, or just pure urgh! I hate not having a job. I’ve been out of work now for three weeks. The slowest three weeks of my life. I actually had a job for about four days and not being payed by some crazy women is not a fun way to waste some of my time. Im just struggling. Its hard because I do have rent, I dont have a job. I dont even have a bank account right now. Its a huge struggle in my faith. I just want to cry, scream throw something anything. Its like I’m a big room and all I see are closed doors and not a opened window in sight. Hell there isnt even a rock for me to break a window if I wanted to. I need a blessing. I need a miracle. I need help! With no money, no car, and soon (God forbid) no home, I can feel the pressures of everything breaking me down. I cant sleep, can barely eat, my ear is now hurting badly, its just about to make me crack.

 

Maybe I need to crack, maybe thats the issue. Maybe thats the problem. I’m not sure. All I know is that it hurts beyond belief.

Content?

So I’m working on something new lately. Contentment.See pretty much I feel like my life sucks alot. I feel like, if I had a job (which I dont) if I was already married (which I’m not) or if I had an apartment, collage education, car (can I stop now?), that I would be so beyond accomplished and I wouldn’t have to even work at being content.  Its not true, and I HATE it! I just want to feel like something is going my way.See the problem here? Yes, its the my way part (and maybe alittle of the hate part.)I’ve taken my focus off of what it should be on and put it on me. Its like the whole tree in the forest thing. I’m missing out on what else is great and wonderful in my life. And lacking a whole big bunch of thankfulness. Yes, I dont have a job. But, I am having time to study and read, and I am thankful that I have a roof over my head that I can take time to find a good one. Yes, I’m not married but, I’m getting married. Yes planning a wedding is something I am SO only going to do once. But, I am doing it. I dont have a degree but, I know now fully what I want to do with my life. I know now the gifts that God has given me, and I have learned how to use them! I feel like thats one of the big problems with our culture. Instead of us being thankful for what we have, and letting that lead us to contentment we fight it and want more.  See contentment has nothing to do with things. Contentment is being happy and thankful no matter what you have or what you own. Like they say money doesn’t buy happiness.